A Brave Writer’s Life in Brief

I surf the web looking for where the currents are, the tides - how homeschooling is understood and bandied about by other home educators. What philosophy guides today’s new homeschooler? What are the issues they care most about?

Hard to say. Hard to know. Why? Because most homeschooling discussion boards and blogs have a surprisingly narrow aim: the hunt for curricula. There is an unending need to identify, shop for and examine new methods for every subject under the sun every year, even every month! No one seems satisfied with what was used last year, unless, of course, you were and now you can write sixteen pages of posts extolling its transcendent virtues! (By the way, I so get this having done it myself.) Lord knows, I’ve received valuable advice that has “saved the day” in subject areas that were sincere struggles for us, too. So I’m not saying never to discuss curricula.

Still, what bothers me as I click around today is that it appears the forums and boards have been reduced to these conversations. In fact, may I dare make a bold statement? It seems to me that many moms love having a place to share about homeschooling so much, they become obsessive about curriculum shopping in order to sustain a reason to return to the board and friendly community. In other words, you don’t get to “play” on the boards unless you have a curriculum question! As a result, moms spend a lot of time developing ever more questions to help them have reasons to interact with all the other cool homeschooling moms that they love!

A strange disquiet grows when this is the approach (this endless dissatisfaction with our current curricula choices) though. Rather than talking about the real life scenarios that we all find ourselves in on a day-to-day basis, we stay in the realm of theory - the potential application of a curriculum we don’t own to our kids that we only partially reveal to the online world.

Then we spend more money and yet still have to think of new questions in order to return to the support and friendship of the moms on the forums, boards or in the blogs. What a cycle! It utterly guts the power of online community. It leads to a compulsive need to reevalaute every single curriculum decision every time you read a new post. I can remember even reading a comment one night where the mom said, “I really love what we’re using for X, but now that you bring up Y, I think I’m going to switch. It sounds so tantalizing!”

You know what tantalized her? Not just the curriculum. It was the opportunity to play on the forums, to affirm this other mom, to type a post and be a part of the conversation. We all need that. My goodness, it’s lonely at home. The Internet is a revolution of interconnections that has made homeschooling this incredibly powerful universe of interdependent relationships that deeply satisfy. I’m all for it!

Still, I want to suggest a few things.

First, let’s stop talking about curricula only. Let’s talk about your kids. Let’s talk about how you are living the dream - the life that you always wanted with your children. Wordly Wise is not living the dream. Buy it or not but don’t waste another second of your precious life deciding if you want a $7.60 workbook. Don’t use up your valuable free time (time you could spend drinking margaritas with a friend or playing Zooreka with your 5 year old) talking about math endlessly. Pick a math book and use it. Get help if you don’t understand it. If it rises to the level of crisis (Math. Isn’t. Working!), then by all means devote time to finding a solution online.

Second, find places online to chat about this kind of stuff: how to help a slow learner (not what to use for a slow learner, but how to be a better mother to a slow learner); what to do with five kids under 10 who need both your focused attention and your supervision; why it matters that you spend your days playing games and going to the park as opposed to filling in blanks in workbooks; how you can recharge your own battery; what you ought to be reading and enjoying as an adult learner who is still engaged in developing a self, not just a role…

Third, study homeschooling philosophy with friends. Pick a home education book and read it together. Or study and share the Charlotte Mason Home Education Series. Or find a bunch of friends to hash out the real meaning of unschooling. (If you ever find it, let me know. I think it’s the holy grail of home education methodologies… elusive). Dig around in the ideas that go with educating your kids, not just which materials can do the job. It will actually make it easier for you to evaluate curricula if you have a guiding philosophy first.

Fourth, share your successes. It’s so helpful to be reminded of what is working (not just which materials). For instance, couldn’t we all use more help with how to support a dawdler without yelling? Or wouldn’t it be nice to read about one of those mornings where your kids started a chain reaction of learning (they read the ingredients on the cereal box, which led to looking up “malodextrin” on the Internet, which led to asking about where sugars come from, which led to reading about sugar refineries, which made your kids wonder where sugar was grown, which found you looking at pictures of cane fields in Hawaii, which led to playing with hula hoops in the backyard)?

Fifth, chat! Not all online conversation has to be about homeschooling. Be sure to talk about redoing your kitchen, the coming general election, what movie you saw over the weekend, how to seduce your husband into a date night… that kind of stuff. We all need it.

I hope I don’t come across as too didactic here. I’m a veteran of online communities—have been playing on the Internet since 1996 back when homeschooling groups were merely a bunch of email addresses copied and pasted into an address window. Gosh, that was a long time ago! And I’m sure there are lots of you who have these kinds of online spaces where you get to discuss the whole range of ideas and issues that create your family lives. Still, if for a moment I could be that little Jewish mother who nags you to drink up all the broth rather than just slurping the noodles, don’t give too much of yourself to curricula discussion. In the end, curriculum is only a part of the overall atmosphere of the home and the quality of the learning experience.

Become an interesting person yourself, develop online relationships that inspire you to be a better you, and play with your kids. Curricula will sort itself out in the end. It has a way of doing that.

What would you do if you found a magic wand?

Anonymous said:

Hi Julie,

Thanks for this post. I am challenged to give my children full attention talk time. I am always DOING something while they are talking. I am not sure what they’d do if I stopped and looked them and in the eye!

I found the post interesting as it relates to me though. I feel that I am better able to express myself through the written word. For me, the opposite of what you’ve described seems to be true. When I have let the words come out through my fingers and onto the page, I am a much more confident “talker” later on. After writing, I have a better idea of how I feel, what I think, what’s important. In fact, I’d like to see how improved writing could improve my abilities as a conversationalist.

Let’s talk (I mean write) about this!

When I say that talking helps kids write, I mean it. But I want to acknowledge that writing helps us think better than talking. It is perfectly natural and right that when you want to figure out what you really think about a topic, writing is more likely to draw it from you than talking or chatting. A good conversation with a supportive listener can have a similar effect, but the truth is, there is something about putting those words down onto a page where you can sit back and reread or observe them that causes you to identify the thread, the thought, the idea in its concrete form more effectively than chatting or talking.

So I want you to know I agree with you. That fact (that writing leads to clarity of thinking) is what has made me a chronic journal-keeper and now blogger for my entire life. It’s what made me love essay writing and research papers. It’s why I tend to take notes when I listen to a great talk or seminar. I recognize that my ideas become more crystallized when I write.

So what did I mean, then, that talking leads to better writing in kids?

Here’s the subtle nuance I want to emphasize. Before a child feels fluent in the mechanics of writing, before a child has had success with writing to the degree that he or she discovers the magic and power of the written word to unveil that next layer of insight, talking is the means by which a person develops a vocabulary of personal value. In other words, talking is the primary mechanism that establishes “writer’s voice.” Conversation, reporting, sharing, narrating all lead to a growing confidence and competence in language - the very stuff that will lead to more satisfying writing, more ease in writing eventually… which will then lead to better thinking.

To nurture that development, then, you will listen, reflect back, mirror and support the development of speech as your children share with you. You’ll notice their flourishes, their senses of humor, their attention to detail, their surprising word choices and your job is to affirm these.

When they go to write, perhaps you will even remind them of that “so funny thing they just said at dinner” to include in the writing. You might jot down their words as they fly out of their mouths for them (and naturally this will happen when you are nursing the baby and making dinner at the same time). If you can “catch your child in the act of thinking” (i.e. talking) and capture the words on paper, you’ve given your child a huge headstart in the writing process. Suddenly that natural voice, those easy to find words are available for writing! Such a relief!

As you support that process, you are actually giving your child a chance to see just how connected the interior life, conversation and writing really are: which is the strange and magical mix that informs all good writing.

We want words, lots of them, churned out on reassuring sheets of lined paper, with curlicue cursive ‘r’s and proper punctuation reflecting both the demands of syntax and emotion. When the words fail, we resort to coercive tactics or the gentle reassurances that words are inside and they can be coaxed out.

What sometimes gets missed in this process is the power of talking. Speaking leads to writing more than any other skill. Getting words formed in the head and then out through the mouth leads to better writing. It doesn’t even matter if they are organized or concise or logical. What matters is the process of dredging them up, giving them room to develop in the mind and then speaking them through the lips by way of the tongue.

Writers make as many words available to themselves as possible. They do this by reading and speaking, speaking and reading… and then writing. There’s a powerful imitation process that gets worked out through talking too. Writers are likely to test new words in conversation before making them a part of their writing vocabularies.

I’m reminded of Jon (my husband) when he’s learning a new language. He has this endearing habit of adopting a new word and using it before he actually knows what it means. He tosses it out in conversation with a native to see the effect it has. He plays with it, attaches it to other words and behaviors. For instance, when we were in Italy three summers ago, he overheard an Italian man say to a woman “Ciao bella.” He could tell from the delivery it had something to do with a greeting or a good-bye but wasn’t entirely sure if it was formal, informal, or even strictly personal and intimate. Yet undeterred, at the next opportunity, he paid for his cappucino and then winked at the middle-aged barista and declared, “Ciao Bella!” She burst out laughing, patted his arm several times and erupted into more italian.

Caitrin, picking up on this habit, will often mimic actors and their lines, testing them in conversation for effect. Jacob will ask us if he’s using a word properly when he encounters a new one.

But even these strategies are only part of growing as a writer. Being able to speak with, to talk to an adult in a supportive, nurturing space increases competence in articulation, in putting words together that will lead to effective writing later. To support that process, think of these principles when you talk with your kids.

• Find time to give eye-contact and focused attention. Kids talk better and more if the audience is actually interested. You can give the best level of interest by hearing a story or talking with your child without distractions (not cooking dinner, not cleaning, not shopping). Driving seems to be okay, though, and often leads to some of the best conversations.
• Involve yourself in the interests of your child. Let your child teach you how to play a game on the Wii, or learn how to shoot baskets, or draw together while your child talks to you about art. Find a way for you to be in the role of “learner” and let your child sort through the vocabulary and sequence of events or practices to help you learn it.
• Talk about language. When you watch a Shakespeare movie or read a novel or notice a clever billboard, take time to discuss the words themselves, the effects they create, the nuances they reveal. Make words cough up their secret and share these with your kids. Even ask them to see what is funny or clever or insightful about the wording of whatever source.
• Discuss important things. Trust your kids to tackle big topics with you (according to their ages). Draw them into discussions about ideas like justice, compassion, racism, poverty, space, nature, human and animal rights, education, going green, neighborliness, death, birth, materialism, power, war, punishments and crime, and so on.
• Don’t shush your kids. It’s easy to want to turn them off when they get rolling on another narration of level 4 of Smash Mouth Brothers. I understand. Still, you need to make space for the repetitions, for the meandering so that they can sort it out. If the words stay in their heads, they don’t grow as writers as easily.

So get talking! Snacks help unleash words, too, if you have children who are more reticent to share.

Why do you think prejudice exists in the world?

In 9th grade, I earned the role of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz in our high school musical. That role spurred me to become a nut about musical theater. I watched musicals, acted in them, listened to their soundtracks endlessly. I remember standing on top of our stereo console, where I could see our huge gilded full length mirror above the fireplace, belting out show tunes with my hair brush as microphone.

Even more than singing, though, I loved the stories told through musical numbers. There’s the poetry of the lyrics, the narrative, the playful way that songs create new dynamics between characters and so on. I had the good fortune of growing up outside of Los Angeles, so my mother (who was a theater major in college) took me to plays and musicals from the time I was two years old until I was old enough to take myself. Starting at 16, I went to the theater district in LA and saw “A Chorus Line,” “The Wiz” (twice!), and “Pippin” while in high school.

For our 15th wedding anniversary, Jon and I saw “Beauty and the Beast” in Century City and for my 40th birthday, Jon flew me to New York City to see “Jane Eyre.” Musical theater has always signified for me a joyful treat that goes beyond the usual movie and dinner or overnight at a bed and breakfast.

I wondered if my kids, growing up as homeschoolers, were likely to discover musical theater for themselves. We had less money, less opportunity to get to the big theaters where touring companies would come. I figured they would possibly see a musical at the local high school at some point and that would be it until adulthood. I purchased “Into the Woods” and “Sunday in the Park with George” as videos to expose the kids to what I considered great shows. Then something happened on the way to high school… The kids caught the bug through a little show called “Wicked.”

I don’t know who told them about “Wicked.” What happened, though, is that a voracious appetite for musical theater was unleashed in our home and every day now, I’m pelted with show tunes coming through iPod speakers or the nearest computer’s iTunes. Caitrin can’t do math without singing “No One Mourns the Wicked” or “Seasons of Love” from “Rent.”

Jacob has two huge Disney posters on his walls to commemorate his passion for all music Disney, Tim Rice and Alan Menken. So far, the kids have seen live shows of “Beauty and the Beast” (twice), “Lion King,” “Wicked,” “Little Women,” Seussical, the Musical,” “Wind in the Willows,” and “42nd Street.” I took Johannah to see “Les Miserables” for her 16th birthday.

There are loads of reasons to jump on our musical theater bandwagon.

• The lyrics tell a story.
• The productions are live (what a difference to television and movies!).
• The story lines are usually exceptionally compelling. They have to be in order to sustain the attention of a media saturated audience.
• The music is catchy and singable.
• Actors are multi-talented.
• Set design and transformation is magical.
• The orchestra is live!
• You enjoy the experience as a group, with an audience that claps and laughs and participates.
• Cultural literacy is enhanced.

If you haven’t taken the plunge to spend the money and energy to check out musical theater, I urge you to do so! If you live in a remote location, you can at least order musicals via Netflix. See how your kids like them. Then figure out a way to get to a live performance. You’ll be glad you did.